No Princess Area
再讲就是我自己弄不零清!
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-06-16 15:42:17
staring at the com screen until my eyes are hurt
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-06-09 14:52:35
Finally started my college research yesterday. To put in a more accurate (well, I know there's no such phrase as 'more accurate' in the standard language) sense, finally started my dreaming sessions with the seemingly-never-achievable schools.
After almost one day's work of browsing through as many relevant webpages as I can, I can't help but realised how fantastic yet how far those colleges are for me.
I don't particularly like cuus as there are just too many strong candidates there. I'm not sure whether they are all extremely competitive, or they are heavenly good at making up their porfolios. SY's point of ignoring cuus as far as she can is that this website only makes one look down on him/herself, which results in one making uninformed or irrational decisions.
I AGREE.
Sadly when I browsed through cc just now and found all those smart kids tout here, the only stake left for me was, again, a strong sense of inferiority. Interestingly they have this feature of applicants'/ potential applicants' stats which explicitly tells you who with what kind of background got in (and who did not), and it would really need some patience to find someone with CR score under 700 or classrank other than "top 5". You know what? They are worrying like a hell for the only B in their transcripts and I only have too many to offer!
I guess people like me are just not allowed to dream on our own.
I guess people like me are just doomed to settle down with a life that we'll never be satisfied with.
But who and what should I blame? Mom and dad have always tried to give me the best and supported me in whatever ways they can. But I, the unfidial yet uncompetitive daughter, has only disappointed them time and time again.
YQ told me excellence is a habit, for one would tend to be afloat on a certain level if there's no change in the external environment (oops, sounds like Newton's First Law whereby there's no change in motion without any external force).
I don't what or how or why but nothing seemed to be right in the recent 1 and half years. Believe me, I have never be someone who's too harsh to oneself, rather, I'd like to see my peers doing well. I just cannot take the fact that they can never fail to do anything wrong yet I don't see any difference in capability between us!
I guess the entry has digressed a little bit from the seemingly innocent title. And I also know that I have cheated myself all the time while, for making myself believe that everything's gonna be alright after today, for making myself believe that I am STRONG after all.
I don't want to put myself in an aukward sitation whereby I only draw my self-portait too large and too elaborate. I don't want to waste mom's hard earned money by simply satisfying my stupid vainity. I want others to know my value and I'd like to see the current me as an advanturous youth trying to find her own path through the darkest of the darkest night.
The night is dark, yet I hope I can one day look back and tell myself that it's only temporary.
五月的一篇,五月的一天
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-05-11 21:12:20
从头到尾读了一遍。
从芝加哥有多美到这学校的图书馆有多强大地读了一遍。
最近似乎不是那么萌这个学校了。
feel I'm losing it.
losing的不是说对这个学校的感情,by all means它同我都没多大关系——至少目前。
觉得一段时间以来都没好好想过问题了。lose的是我的sense and sensibility。
不敢说自己曾经有多远大理想。但我一直相信只要我认定的事情是没有做不到,只有不够努力。
直到后来突然有一天意识到了impossibile这个词语的力量。
可惜,我相信自己能力有限的那一天也成了我真正能力有限的开始。
太久以来都没有好好做reflection。也难怪,毕竟我连对自己正确的估计都很难。
但重点是,i feel very strongly that i'm losing it.
我不知道。
很长一段时间,我拿自己当弱势群体看,给自己找这样那样的理由。因为我忙,因为我没有这样那样的resource,因为我没有可以为我指明道路的senior。却不知道哪怕我有那些我自己缺失的东西我也不一定会比现在的自己好。
我总是处于忙的状态,constantly on the go,但经常不知道在忙什么。
我不愿承认自己没目标。因为我有。尽管遥远到我更情愿相信是梦想。
我不愿承认自己没计划。因为我有。尽管现在的我自卑到不愿意让别人发现。
凭什么去年我如此相信J2再开始学习J1应该enjoy life做喜欢的事情呢。凭什么现在的学弟学妹们如此有realisation一开学就知道读书呢。
那天在东海岸HYQ突然问我,你到底还有没有那么喜欢Uchi的时候,我想了好久说或许没有吧。i know, partly because i feel i'm parting it away gradually.
她很stunned地说what happened to your American dream?
呵呵,这是多pathetic的事情啊。What happened to my American dream?当时,我是多么激情地同她说我的美国梦,同她说我一定一定会读一个好学校,在一个热闹的城市过我光鲜的日子。What has happened to all those...
我在她眼里读到的,是失望。
哪怕做梦,也要做我们都在Chicago,一个UChi一个NW,谁在哪都可以。
我希望不是自己今年多的attachment让我不再花心思想自己的道路。
那天去Oxford info session,听他说the admission criteria is entirely based on academic performance的时候就火了。虽然知道那是不能再真实的大实话。(刚刚看到去年RJ preplim的阅读也讲到这个,哈哈太扯了。)一瞬间就想我要prove them wrong。但平心静气当然明白除非后半年人品爆发否则一切完全扯谈。
后来还真好好查了一下Oxford,对Math and Philosophy大爱。只是爱而已,一年27个人,如果这还不是扯谈那什么是……那些如Castle般美好的形象不是我等人该梦想的。
不想说了。
MC日记
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-04-22 12:10:06
不过今天还是蛮爽的哈哈。
1)Hong Mingyi早上登记MC的人的时候竟然没有登记到我。
2)一早6点半下楼吃饭,竟然已经有不少华中校服的人出现……本来还指望不要被太多人发现的……
3)早上做一份真题巨有感觉,每个section都是提前5分钟做完的。然后,阅读错的题数竟然比语法少。天哪为什么我不是那时候考的——不过那貌似是06年的。
4)去clinic竟然没有排队,在里面只待了3分钟。邵悦也只待了3分钟,于是我们加上路上和超市1小时不到。
5)好像还是有些人今天MC的。比如说我回来的时候神奇地发现Sayam竟然去high school吃饭。
6)我意识到:只要足够刀,作业是可以做完的,卷子也是可以做完的
但是……今天那医生已经有点不爽我了……所以还是不能太刀……
更新完毕。
今天突然有点sad
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-03-30 19:12:15
觉得不顺。
不好。
不开心。
莫名其妙好几次把刚刚结疤的皮踢掉,痛地要死。
今天思程讲到说不想在新加坡待着是因为不爽,感觉一直没法发挥自己的潜力。
突然觉得貌似就是这样的状态。3年半前离开杭州和现在,都一样。
觉得自己做地不好,然后很sad地发现发展空间不大,因为就是没法get everything right.
所以想换一个地方,重新开始。
但我这算逃避么?
其实今年没有很废,但也一直不顺。
4月1号快到了,学姐学长们也逐渐尘埃落定。
听到的坏消息总是比好的多。其实好多印象中都好强好伟大的。
明年这时候我会在哪里……
哈哈还是杨吉姐姐幸福,比大多数人早4个半月知道未来的去向,而且是自己喜欢的地方。whatever.
看了SAT2400的文章以后觉得好励志呀。想到小时候妈妈总是说,努力的人不一定成功,但成功的人一定是努力的。
但长大以后总是有太多的侥幸心理,给自己找太多的理由和借口。
有老师告诉我说this world is large enough to contain more than one genius, but a lot of geniuses,可惜大多数孩子都如仲永(天哪,我打出来才发现原来谐音中庸——这么多年竟然没发现)般自行磨灭了光芒。
今年过了1/4。不过幸好……还有3/4……
好好过日子
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-03-11 22:24:08
传说中的A level
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-03-06 23:39:50
为什么我以前一直觉得华中academic很强的……难道我一直以来的都是看到假象……
听说了好多H3没拿dist的事情。似乎曾经有这么一会儿我觉得说H3人人dist的……
然后出来了有人拿到Cambridge conditional offer去不了的事情。
太惊悚了。
我一直以为说A level这种全国性考试不会太出人意料的。
moral of the story,要好好学习天天向上。
我什么时候才能没有乱七八糟的事情呢……这是个好问题。
回来的时候给WH送肉吃。
她可甜蜜的样子了。
不过讲到A level result的事情的时候还是气氛严肃了很多。
后来在扳手指算人的时候又有emo的倾向了。打住。
刀。
智商这回事
天堂的木子 发表于 2009-03-02 19:40:50
今天心情很奇怪。
其实也不是很坏,就是起伏不定。
我怀疑是睡觉的关系。
昨天10点半就睡了。本来想6点爬起来做作业的,后来没有成功——洗了脸又睡了……
整个人精神不好。
我超级没有智商的。
chem课的时候可能反应过于激烈了。不过当时的感觉是我干什么要待在这个班啊,那些challenging qns有什么用,终归我是不会的。然后身边的所有人都如此高智商……
后来上数学的时候又一次深深感受到了智商的匮乏。
我讨厌各种同DE有关的graph...
你要DE你让我求啊,你让我算啊。我的foundation就是不sound,我对concept的理解就是不行,我也不想啊!
然后就快崩溃了。
不过Mrs Sim似乎超级善良的,在基本上给我重复了一遍我miss掉的那节课的内容以后我终于不被自己confuse到了。
moral of the story,我需要智商!
我发誓,以后一定要养个有智商的儿子,千万别让他suffer我经历过的艰苦历程,千万别让他为了自己智商发愁……
